Same Side Solutioning
How Two Heads Can Be Better Than One -
Even Two Married Heads
Nathan Claunch, Ph.D., Psychologist and Marriage Counselor
Copyright September, 2005 - All Rights Reserved
This article may not be reproduced in part or whole for distribution or
display without the author's written permission by mail, e-mail, or fax.
Initial Request: Please don't compare this Same Side Solutioning process to your own or your partner's typical behaviors in a way that makes you or your partner seem bad, crazy, or inferior. If these attitudes and behaviors become one option that helps you and/or your partner deal with each other more constructively, that's great. Don't expect, though, that either of you will ever become perfect at this any more than any of us will ever become perfect at anything. Accept that we're all "unbalanced" at least part of the time, and give yourself and your partner the gift of forgiveness that we all need to get along with ourselves and with each other.
It continues to amaze me how primitive we human beings can become when faced with conflict. Far too often, we indulge in our worst attitudes and behaviors with those whose love and good will matter the most and squander our more enlightened attitudes and behaviors on those who matter the least. Sadly, many key relationships would improve if we treated each other as well as most of us treat total strangers.
Why didn't we learn and why don't we teach out kids, preferably by the 3rd and at least by the 6th grade, how to work together to resolve conflicts? How to create solutions together when misunderstandings occur and our trigger fingers start to itch. To quote one of the 20th Century's most questionable pundits, "Why can't we all just get along?"
This article is for pairs - couples, colleagues, siblings, or any two individuals who want to sound, act, and problem-solve like they value each other and not like adversaries intent on defending themselves while defeating each other.
In any close relationship where appreciation, respect, and good will are more important than anything else and key to everything else, it makes no sense to engage in a win/lose process that produces a win/lose solution with lots of bad feelings and a poor chance of lasting. If one wins at the other's expense, the cost in poor morale means that both lose.
The inescapable truth is, for better and for worse, we truly are on the same side.
"Same Side Solutioning" allies two individuals in a process that emphasizes cooperation, working together against a problem and NOT against each other. By facing and targeting the problem rather than each other, two heads can truly be better than one. Yes, even two married heads.
This is a process that only a fortunate few of us witnessed in our original families and a process seldom displayed or touted in the world around us. Ours is often a win/lose world where the goal is to control or defeat "the other side," whether it be an individual who's different, a political opponent, a designated "bad guy," a perceived offender, etc.
I like to call our powerful aggressive and avoidant (fight or flight) urges the "Lizard Brain" because they are "hard-wired" and driven by the sub-cortical limbic system of our brains that we share with lizards and other allegedly inferior critters.
Remember the dinosaur in Jurassic Park that swelled up, spit poison, and then devoured its victim? That's the fight side of our Lizards - when we feel the hair rising on the back of our necks and an urge to spit poisonous words intended to neutralize some valued person we've mistaken for the enemy. That's the Lizard Brain fueling our urges toward toxic attack, blame, etc. The flight side of our Lizards fuels our urges to become defensive, to avoid, to escape by shutting down or stonewalling.
These primitive attitudes and behaviors are stimulated and reinforced by much of our socialization. The first dollar my father gave me was for shoving another kid harder than the kid had shoved me. My dad's Lizard was proud of my Lizard.
We don't have to treat our most important people poorly when differences arise. In fact, resolving problems through a friendly same-side process can bring us closer, deepen our intimacy, and surprise and delight us with each other. Conflict, with its well-known potential to make our nerves raw, also holds the potential to stimulate our minds and warm our hearts.
Same Side Solutioning seeks win/win solutions through negotiation skills that are mutually respectful and considerate. It's done by working together in a democratic fashion that values both his and her ideas, feelings, sensitivities, wishes, needs, chance to be heard, etc. In contrast to adversarial behaviors that polarize and alienate people, the curious, gentle, open-to-learning listening and acceptance that is key to Solutioning helps people feel more like true partners, more like friends.
Like learning to ride a bike, this process can evolve from feeling unnatural to natural. Over time, it can give the relationship a sense of friendly, caring, generous cooperation that provides an overriding air of safety and connection. Feeling safe with and close to a partner is about as good as it gets.
It's important to know that Same Side Solutioning can be fostered unilaterally by one well-motivated, well-prepared individual. In fact, if both of you plan to do it, each would be wise to imagine that it's all up to him or her. For more on introducing this process unilaterally, see the Addendum on page 12.
Interested? If yes, give the process a better chance by preparing yourself well. Don't jump right in and give this a brief effort with a poor chance to succeed or to last. You've likely got some powerful habits (and biology) to tame.
If this approach is new to you, it will probably help to read this material more than once. Before starting, discuss your own and your partner's motivation to use this process as well as your mutual understanding of how to proceed. Are you both feeling motivated to give it a hearty and sustained effort? Do you have a common understanding of how and why it can work? Learn it, rehearse it, and review it separately and together.
Initially, go through the process with conscious and patient deliberation. Later, discussions can become increasingly informal as your attitudes and skills become more and more a part of your overall relationship.
Before starting your first practice session, it could help to read this paper out loud together, taking turns as reader and listener.
To start, picture a triangular table that allows you to sit at a side that is next to rather than across from your partner. Together, face the far side where you will place and target the problem/conflict/challenge.
By replacing the face-to-face model that makes it easy to slip into adversarial exchanges, sitting literally, or at least figuratively, next to each other underlines that the problem is the target, not the other person.
Agree out loud that you want to function as a team allied together to transform problems into solutions - with a process that sustains mutual caring and respect for each other. Verbalize to each other that your shared and most important goal is to like each other during as well as after your mutual exploration for solutions that satisfy you both.
Once the process is strong and reliable, specific solutions will be relatively easy to find.
Recognize together that anything that's a problem or challenge for either of you is important for both to address because anything that troubles one is ultimately going to trouble both. "I want our solution to work for you just as much as I want it to work for me."
Before starting the process, hug for a minute and/or touch and squeeze hands while affirming aloud your intention to do Same Side Solutioning as well as possible this time and to continue working with this process as a major contribution to your relationship.
During the solutioning process, offer or accept a hand to squeeze briefly as a sign of giving or requesting support. If an offer isn't noticed or accepted, don't force the issue. Your partner may be concentrating too hard and/or feeling unable to exchange that kind of support right now.
I worked with one opposite-handed couple who could hold hands while using their dominant hands to list problems and to brain-storm solutions on a paper in front of them. If you can't do that literally, then do it figuratively.
In fact, it can be an informative experiment to hold hands while using a same side process toward a win-win solution. Give it a try. When fingers start to loosen, let that be a clue that your shared "cool" may be loosening its grip too - a good time to slow down, to consider taking a break, and consciously and intentionally to upgrade positive attitudes and behaviors. Focus on calming yourself and on NOT saying or doing things that are likely to make things worse.
Not making things worse is powerful - and key to Same Side Solutioning. Research suggests that it takes up to 5 positive behaviors to offset one nasty one. Not making things worse is a low cost, high-interest investment in good will.
Expect to have periodic urges to become impatient, adversarial, polarizing, or maybe even outright obnoxious. I'm personally still "in recovery" from such urges. Notice those urges when they first appear and shift immediately to calming yourself or your partner with encouraging rather than discouraging words. As you might with a family dog about to bark at the mail carrier, encourage both of your Lizards to relax: "Let's remember that we're on the same side. There are no enemies here. No need to bark or hide."
Don't let your Lizard highjack your attitudes or behavior, but do accept that it's a natural and therefore forgivable part of each of you. Beating yourself up about it is likely to rile your own Lizard and that of important others nearby. Rise above, forgive, and reassure your own or your partner's fight-or-flight urges.
It's powerfully and impressively helpful to stay friendly, soft, and accepting/forgiving whenever your partner seems to be slipping into Lizard-like attitudes, tones, or words. Most of us feel shame as we start to slide into our "lower self," and we are pleasantly surprised and relieved when the other doesn't react in kind. That helps to calm our shame-driven urges to stay defensive. It's hard to keep building up steam when nobody's pushing back - when the steam is able to dissipate in the fresh air of another's acceptance and unwavering good will.
A client told me about feeling enraged when someone backed a car into her legs as she was getting something out of her trunk. She was surprised to see that it was her best friend who ran back apologizing, "I'm so sorry I backed into you!" Immediately my client's anger evaporated, and she assured, "Friend, you can back into me anytime." Apologize quickly when you find yourself off course and forgive quickly when your partner/friend wanders.
Remind yourself and acknowledge to your partner that you know him or her to be a good, intelligent, and well-intended person. If you're not fully in touch with the friendly feelings you'd prefer, try AA's, "Fake it 'til you make it." Acting more positive than you fully feel at a given moment will contribute to a more positive atmosphere where better feelings can catch up with better behaviors - esp. if you stay open to that possibility. Know that better behavior can inspire better feelings at least as well as better feelings can lead to better behavior.
Is it dishonest to act more positive than you feel? Not in my mind, not if you honestly want to help both of you with behavior from your higher and more enlightened self rather than from your less enlightened defensive or aggressive feelings.
Agree that anytime anyone's feelings become too raw to proceed, either of you can signal, "I need a break." Agree that you'll resume the process at a later and mutually acceptable time - anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 days later. If you can't easily agree on a time, let it go. Don't push. Later, when you feel ready and the other seems receptive, you can suggest resuming the process.
Use a break to self-soothe and to review and renew your investment in constructive and cooperative solutioning. Appreciate yourself or your partner for having the good sense to take a needed break rather than letting things go downhill. Hugging again is a good way to resume solutioning after a break.
For your first meeting, start by same side solutioning your way to a relatively safe and limited agenda. Offer agenda suggestions in a friendly manner and accept the other's suggestions with interest and respect. Use your first several practice sessions to become familiar and comfortable with the process. Success with any topic will be a good start.
Write on three or four 3 x 5 cards, or equivalent slips of paper, brief suggestions for this meeting's agenda items. Then take turns reading them to each other and place them face up on the far side of the table. Select one or two of these cards that you both feel okay about as a discussion topic. Keep all remaining suggestions as candidates for a next session.
Now begin brainstorming and writing down on a shared tablet possible solution ingredients - thoughts, feelings, hopes, wishes, etc. from each of you, treating everything as important and relevant to your shared search for a win-win solution. Keep the process same-side by demonstrating a persistent intention to find solution ingredients that work for both of you. Offer and welcome suggested modifications that could make a solution element work better for yourself or your partner:
Use "I-messages" - simple comments from your own personal perspective and exposing of your feelings and thoughts. Avoid "You-messages." They tend to be less revealing and vulnerable, and they can feel judgmental and put the other on the defensive. "I'd like us to find a solution for the lonely feelings I get when you seem preoccupied. I miss you at those times," is friendlier and more self-revealing than, "I'd like to discuss how you spend far more time thinking about other things than you do about me." The former invites caring, the latter is more likely to evoke a defensive reply.
Identify within yourself and express most often the softer, more open and vulnerable feelings that usually lie beneath our harder closed and self-protective feelings. When expressed, softer feelings are easier to care about and less likely to provoke hard feelings.
Accept your partner as the world's final authority on his/her personal perceptions and internal experience. Don't attempt to read or analyze his or her mind. If you're wondering about the other's thoughts or feelings, ask and accept the answer at face value. If you'd like to know more, ask a gentle follow-up with a friendly and curious tone. Intend to become the safest person on earth for your partner to share vulnerabilities with.
Know that there is no one "reality" on which you are the ultimate expert. There are two "realities" that any solution must satisfy in order to make you both winners, hers and his, and those two realities may overlap anywhere from a lot to very little.
[This process applies equally, of course, when there are two he's or two she's. I don't intend to leave out same-sex relationships, whether they are friends, colleagues, siblings, or in a romantic or other kind of relationship.]
It's very important and often highly challenging to understand and to accept that your and your partner's subjective "realities" will often differ. He may find a desert too sweet that she experiences as "just right." She may want more salt in a soup he finds too salty. She may think a kid needs a hug when he thinks the same kid needs a time out. There's no universally "right" way to scratch backs another's back or to want yours scratched. A preference for "chick flicks" or war movies is not an aberration from normalcy. Neither she nor he is bad or crazy for having a subjective experience that differs from the other's.
Same-side/win-win does not mean same thinking. The goal isn't to agree on everything. The goal is to handle problems and conflicts that put you uncomfortably at odds and to resolve those differences with a mutually considerate process that leads to mutually acceptable solutions. Solutions that work well for both of you when possible and "well-enough" when that's the best you can do. Every relationship has some issues where the best goal is to accept your differences, to "agree to disagree" with patient, accepting, and respectful attitudes and behaviors.
To help yourselves stay focused and to listen better, have a pad each handy on which to jot down briefly any important things you're hearing and want to remember as well as any of your own ideas, feelings, wishes, etc. that are competing with your listening and that you may want to remember and bring up later. Write briefly & quickly to avoid distracting yourself or your partner, and don't appear to be compiling a list of all the ways you are right and the other is wrong.
Hear, acknowledge, accept, and truly intend to understand the other in an obviously friendly and tuned in manner. Ask questions intended to better understand what you're hearing. Be gentle and respectful of the other's reality. Use an accepting tone or nod and, when unclear, repeat the other's input to clarify whether you correctly heard or understood the other's thoughts and feelings.
Don't think that seeking, respecting and acknowledging your partner's point means that you have somehow lost or thrown away your own point. The point is that there are many important points to be made, and they all count on the way to a win-win solution.
In general, take turns, informally if that works well. If it helps, pick some talking symbol like a native American "talking stick" or a tissue or a copy of this paper - something to pass back and forth to designate who's the talker at a given juncture. When you're ready to quit talking and become the listener, hand the symbol over. If you feel a growing and pressing need to shift from listener to talker, put out your hand as a friendly signal that you'd like the talking symbol soon.
Be diplomatic. Don't talk too much - or too little. Intend for each of you to have roughly equal time. Never imply that the other's input is less right, less entitled, less moral, or less important.
Don't over-explain yourself - so that you don't sound defensive or offensive. Keep things relatively simple and straight-forward. Do describe those elements of a win/win solution that are most important to you. In order for any emerging solution to be valid and satisfying for both of you, don't overlook elements that are key for either of you. When you both participate in designing a solution, it will work better and longer for each of you and will contribute to the overall morale of your relationship.
Once you agree that most of the important building blocks toward possible solutions are on the table, wonder together about possible win/win combinations. Wonder aloud what you can create together with the ingredients on the table. Make suggestions and ask clarifying questions toward possible solutions. What could satisfy you both? Offer suggested solutions and respect each other's suggestions. Seek ways to modify or add to potential solutions to make them work better for both:
"How would it work for you if I continue to be more in charge of what needs doing around the house, with you agreeing to take complete charge of two or three recurring jobs. For example, if I knew you'd always handle the dishes and your laundry and I'd never have to remind you, I'd be one happy camper."
"That works for me if you'll let me make the kids bring all their dishes to the sink after eating or drinking."
"That's fine if you'll do that without yelling at them - by insisting quietly rather than loudly that they get it done or taking them aside where I can't hear if you need to talk more sternly to them. What do you think?"
"That sounds good to me."
"Deal?"
"Deal."
"One more question; what would you like me to say if you aren't doing what you agreed to do?"
"Hmmm. I just now found myself starting to get defensive, but I'm resisting the urge. Can we make that an agenda item for our next talk?"
"Yes, let's write it down to help us remember. And, please keep in mind that it will really help me more than anything if I can relax and know that you're totally responsible for those two items."
"Fair enough. I understand how that would help, and I intend to take those two jobs off your mind - so you'll have two fewer things to worry about."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome. I hope this works."
"Me too; let's make it work."
"OK."
Here are some more examples of potential topics/problems/challenges for discussion plus examples of possible win/win solutions:
What color to paint the bathroom. She'd like something light, like yellow. He'd hate yellow but would be fine with a light blue or green. They agree on light blue and feel good about how the solutioning process went. They agree to use the blue walls as a reminder of how well the process went with this relatively easy topic.
You wish I'd quit taking my mother's side "against" you. We agree to do same side solutioning on that problem. Using I-messages, something new for me, I reveal how pained I feel below my cold exterior when you're angry at me about something my mom said. I feel torn between two people I love. You empathize with my dilemma and my pain. After it's clear that I feel heard and understood, you reveal how hurt and deserted you feel below your anger. We each acknowledge the other's pain wonder together about win/win solutions. You suggest that we move physically closer to signal our mutual support the next time my mother makes a not-very-subtle critical comment about how "glad she is that she stayed home with her kids when they were young." I promise to mention within 5 minutes of that frequent criticism from mom how happy I am with your career successes that afford us the luxury of regular special vacations with our kids. We agree that if I "clutch" on the spot and don't fulfill my promise, we'll plot together later about the next opportunity for me to follow one of mother's critical comments with something supportive about you and our marriage. We feel proud together that we understand and want to help each other. We agree that either can initiate moving closer in the next scenario, and that it may well have to be you at first because of my lifelong self-protection within a cloud of oblivion around mom. You empathize with my oblivion defense, and we list my oblivion as a next topic for same side solutioning. I predict that handling mom together may help that problem too because feeling our mutual support will help me stay "present." We hug and feel better about each other and, ironically, even about mom.
I wish you'd discipline the kids more. You wish I wouldn't be so hard on them. By listening respectfully and with an intention to understand, we discover that I've been extra tough to make up for what I've seen as your "coddling," and you've been extra soft to make up for my seeming so harsh and inflexible. We agree to aim for a middle ground, to quit commenting on each other's parenting in front of the kids, and to check our progress over the next few weeks. And, we agree to listen together to the Love and Logic tape on helping kids become responsible that we both liked when we took a parenting class two years ago. We agree that this will be good for the kids and for our relationship.
Consider all kinds of solutions - 50/50 compromises as well as solutions wherein you each get up to 100% of what you'd like. It can happen - when each assumes it can.
If the topic matters a great deal more to the other than to you, consider solutions that go 100% with your partner's preference. Generosity is contagious. You'll have a happy partner, and a happy partner is a joy to have around!
End a formal session by deciding together what you can write down as an agreed-upon solution or as agree-upon elements to be included, modified, or added in our next discussion. Do we have win/win agreements on some of these pieces? Can we both give this further thought and talk again on Sunday afternoon?
Keep in mind that sometimes a mutually respectful agreement to disagree on some topics will be your best possible solution - for now, and possibly for the long haul.
End with a hug and some optimistic comments on the positive aspects of this effort.
Write down and keep handy any important observations or suggestions that come to mind between sessions. For example, notice what's going on inside whenever you begin to lose your "grip" - whether literally holding hands or not. Record your self-observation on a piece of paper and put it with the list of possible problems/challenges for same side solutioning in the future. For example, "When you said my anger 'turns you off,' including sexually, I caught myself starting to get defensive." Translated into a topic for later discussion, that might be framed as "my defensive anger that turns you off and defeats us both."
In close relationships, people often seem inevitably to be helping each other get better or get worse at any particular point in the relationship, depending in large part on how defensive they are currently being with each other.
In their book, "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You," Jordan and Margaret Paul explain how much it can help a relationship for each person to learn about, accept, and become friendly toward the other's defenses - or "protective mechanisms." Understanding and empathizing with the historical "good reasons" for your own and your partner's self-protective mechanisms can help defenses become less tightly held and more open to relaxation and change. In a truly safe, loving, and accepting atmosphere, it becomes increasingly safe to discover and to believe that "the best defense is no defense."
Once she and he become skillful and comfortable with this process, his and her defenses can become highly promising topics for same side solutioning. Understanding and helping each other heal is not rocket science. It is something anyone with an open heart and mind can do by understanding, accepting, and empathizing with how and why another person became who he or she is - especially how and why he or she developed a particular set of defenses. Once their historical origins and purposes are recognized and befriended, defenses feel less important to our sense of safety in key relationships.
Of course there are some individuals who have been so messed up for so long and in so many ways that the optimistic and cooperative process of same side solutioning may not be feasible. If you and most of the wiser people who know both of you have agreed for a long time that you've got a truly "impossible" person to deal with, giving up may ultimately be your only realistic option. First, though, you would be wise to ask your partner to go with you to a marriage counselor, and if that doesn't help, a good individual therapist who also works with troubled relationships can help you review your options so that you can make as wise a decision as possible.
Helpful Hints to Optimize Same Side Solutioning:
Helpful things to say to your partner during the process:
. I'm on your side.
. I don't want to fight.
. I want whatever we decide to work well for you.
. How can I help?
. I'm sorry.
. I'll be quiet and just listen for now.
. I really want to understand this better, how this is for you.
. How can I do a better job of being on your side with this?
. I know you're a good person.
. I know you're a smart person.
. Good point.
. I agree.
. Thank you.
. You're right.
. Am I hearing you well?
. Please help me with that.
. Let's take a break and come back to this? Is that OK with you?
. How about if we get back to this tomorrow?
. Yes.
. Sure.
Helpful hints to consider before and during the process:
Spend some time preparing mentally to start this process (or to recover from an aborted effort) by remembering and dwelling on the best things that you know about yourself and about this very important person in your life. Isn't each of you basically a good, intelligent, well-intended, and unavoidably but understandably flawed person? Recall loving, endearing moments you've shared.
Do with the good stuff what your Lizard Brain urges you to do with the bad stuff - dwell on it. Dwell on all the reasons why you want to be friendly, accepting, and open-to-hearing and learning about and from this special person. Dwell on the things you like most about your partner. Dwell on the fact that you two have lots of assets that you share - kids, warm memories, money (all your money instead of the half you'd have if you alienated each other permanently!), and a cooperative and loving future.
Do assume full and final responsibility for yourself and do not attempt to take over responsibility for the other. Monitor your internal state; remind yourself to stay calm and friendly, and take a break if you feel unable to stay productive.
Monitor your impact on your partner. Notice his or her face, tone, apparent level of defensiveness, etc. and soften your approach if you seem to be having a negative impact. Shifting 100% to an intention to do nothing but to listen gently and to understand and accept for awhile will usually help your partner relax and feel safer. Know that your patient, friendly understanding now will help your partner feel and become friendlier and more understanding later.
To quote from Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, "Seek first to understand. and [only] then to be understood." Be patient. Invest as many minutes or days as needed between understanding now and being understood later.
Stay in control of the only person you can be in control of - you.
Accept a double standard whereby you intend to make your very best contribution to a productive process regardless of how well your partner seems to be doing. Only judge how well you are doing and keep your focus there. Embrace that double standard as your opportunity to give both of you a gift. Be willing to assume 100% of the opportunity to make this work, and cut yourself slack when you fall short of perfection.
Tell yourself, "I'm more than willing to be good-willed and high-minded enough to do most or even all of the work if need be. I'm lucky I can. There's only one score, and that's our team score. My goal is two winners to whatever degree I can help that happen."
Or, "I love this person, and I love getting along with him or her. I'm excited and proud that I can do this for our love and our good will - as well as for our children. I know that ultimately the best way to inspire love and respect is to show love and respect."
Know that any unfriendly comment can tempt the other to respond in kind. Resist any lizard brain urges to react defensively to any unfriendly acts, tones, or implications that the other may slip into. Don't "fight fire with fire" and thereby burn both of you.
Monitor the intention behind your own comments. Is it your intention to remain friendly, open-to-learning, and respectful? Do you detect within yourself any intention to diminish the other's legitimacy or importance? To convince, shame, guilt-trip, or "logic" the other's perspective off the table?
Ask yourself, "Is my intention undemocratic toward this valued person? Am I intending, subtly or not, to coerce, to blame or shame, to twist his or her arm with my version of "logic? Am I raising my voice or escalating my emotions or playing the victim to coerce my partner? Am I acting aggressive or defensive like I'm in a Holy War against some infidel?"
If you make it your intention to hear, accept, and understand, then the mechanics will take care of themselves.
Keep in mind that you want to do right by this highly valued person and that continuing to like each other is the most important part any real solution - and of the process for getting there.
Remember, nothing is a win that makes your partner feel like a loser. Losers are not warm and happy and good-willed. They feel and act unhappy, resentful, withdrawn, and/or angry. If you've defeated a valued partner, you've defeated yourself.
Try, "If my partner 'loses it' and seems 'temporarily insane,' I know this person who loves me much of the time will soon regret being adversarial and harsh, and he or she will feel that regret sooner if I don't 'push back' and compound the problem. By remaining kind and patient when he or she can't, I'll soon hear an 'I'm sorry,' or I'll see some kind of softening behavior that says just as much. And I won't make us both losers by shaming her/him by insisting on an explicit apology."
"If my partner suffered from the neurological condition of Tourette syndrome and involuntarily blurted out obnoxious phrases from time to time, I'd forgive her/him every time it happened, knowing it was a "condition." Why not cut him/her the same slack whenever one of us slips into a Lizard "condition?" Don't compound the problem by falling into "dueling Tourette's" or "dueling Lizards."
==============================
Addendum:
Unilateral Same Side Solutioning - Do Try This At Home
But only if you are highly motivated, thoroughly prepared, and willing to persist even when the future looks bleak. As was pointed out earlier, all of these attitudes and behaviors are contagious, very contagious - but they are less contagious than their opposites - lizard brain attitudes and behaviors. That's why the challenge is big and why it requires a high level of motivation, preparation, intentionality, persistence, and
unwavering good will over an extended period of time.
If one individual will successfully rise above and remain above his or her own lizard brain sabotaging of the process, most partners will eventually begin to experiment cautiously with similarly positive attitudes and behaviors. Once that starts to happen, keep your standards high for yourself and your standards persistently lower and more accepting/forgiving of your fledgling partner.
Accept that things probably feels terribly risky to a partner who is feeling a bit safer and friendlier and is "catching" your improved ways of relating without fully knowing what's happening or whether it has a chance of lasting. When hopes get higher and things feel warmer, greater disappointments could be just around the corner. Dashed hopes can be a formidable set-back, but not impossible to overcome with continued, persistent, and unwavering good will on your part.
After you've demonstrated many positive changes long enough for them to have some impact and maybe to be obviously noticed or mentioned by a partner, explain (if asked or if/when your partner seems open to hearing) that you've been reading and thinking and, if it's true, talking to a professional about improving your attitudes and behaviors. That you like yourself better with these changes and that you plan to keep them going. Include an apology for any recent "slipups" and keep any blame on yourself only.
Tell your partner that you'd be glad for him or her to see some of what you've been reading if/when she or he might like to do so. And, consider leaving a copy of Same Side Solutioning where it can easily be noticed.
If you think it might help, find a wise friend or professional to help you navigate these rapids until you achieve success or conclude over time, that giving up on this particular relationship is your only option. Then plan and look forward to applying your newly and bravely acquired knowledge and skills in a future relationship where they will be reciprocated.
Don't give up quickly, though. And, know that a "much better" but not ideal relationship may good enough. And, "good enough" may be as good as it gets in the real world of imperfect human beings.
Nathan Claunch, Ph.D.
9/24/2005, Ann Arbor, Michigan
(734) 663-9050, # 1.
Same Side Solutioning
How Two Heads Can Be Better Than One
Even Two Married Heads
Nathan Claunch, Ph.D.
Psychologist and Marriage Counselor
Copyright September, 2005 - All Rights Reserved
This article may not be reproduced in part or whole for distribution or
display without the author's written permission by mail, e-mail, or fax.
Initial Request: Please don't compare this Same Side Solutioning process to your own or your partner's typical behaviors in a way that makes you or your partner seem bad, crazy, or inferior. If these attitudes and behaviors become one option that helps you and/or your partner deal with each other more constructively, that's great. Don't expect, though, that either of you will ever become perfect at this any more than any of us will ever become perfect at anything. Accept that we're all "unbalanced" at least part of the time, and give yourself and your partner the gift of forgiveness that we all need to get along with ourselves and with each other.
It continues to amaze me how primitive we human beings can become when faced with conflict. Far too often, we indulge in our worst attitudes and behaviors with those whose love and good will matter the most and squander our more enlightened attitudes and behaviors on those who matter the least. Sadly, many key relationships would improve if we treated each other as well as most of us treat total strangers.
Why didn't we learn and why don't we teach out kids, preferably by the 3rd and at least by the 6th grade, how to work together to resolve conflicts? How to create solutions together when misunderstandings occur and our trigger fingers start to itch. To quote one of the 20th Century's most questionable pundits, "Why can't we all just get along?"
This article is for pairs - couples, colleagues, siblings, or any two individuals who want to sound, act, and problem-solve like they value each other and not like adversaries intent on defending themselves while defeating each other.
In any close relationship where appreciation, respect, and good will are more important than anything else and key to everything else, it makes no sense to engage in a win/lose process that produces a win/lose solution with lots of bad feelings and a poor chance of lasting. If one wins at the other's expense, the cost in poor morale means that both lose.
The inescapable truth is, for better and for worse, we truly are on the same side.
"Same Side Solutioning" allies two individuals in a process that emphasizes cooperation, working together against a problem and NOT against each other. By facing and targeting the problem rather than each other, two heads can truly be better than one. Yes, even two married heads.
This is a process that only a fortunate few of us witnessed in our original families and a process seldom displayed or touted in the world around us. Ours is often a win/lose world where the goal is to control or defeat "the other side," whether it be an individual who's different, a political opponent, a designated "bad guy," a perceived offender, etc.
I like to call our powerful aggressive and avoidant (fight or flight) urges the "Lizard Brain" because they are "hard-wired" and driven by the sub-cortical limbic system of our brains that we share with lizards and other allegedly inferior critters.
Remember the dinosaur in Jurassic Park that swelled up, spit poison, and then devoured its victim? That's the fight side of our Lizards - when we feel the hair rising on the back of our necks and an urge to spit poisonous words intended to neutralize some valued person we've mistaken for the enemy. That's the Lizard Brain fueling our urges toward toxic attack, blame, etc. The flight side of our Lizards fuels our urges to become defensive, to avoid, to escape by shutting down or stonewalling.
These primitive attitudes and behaviors are stimulated and reinforced by much of our socialization. The first dollar my father gave me was for shoving another kid harder than the kid had shoved me. My dad's Lizard was proud of my Lizard.
We don't have to treat our most important people poorly when differences arise. In fact, resolving problems through a friendly same-side process can bring us closer, deepen our intimacy, and surprise and delight us with each other. Conflict, with its well-known potential to make our nerves raw, also holds the potential to stimulate our minds and warm our hearts.
Same Side Solutioning seeks win/win solutions through negotiation skills that are mutually respectful and considerate. It's done by working together in a democratic fashion that values both his and her ideas, feelings, sensitivities, wishes, needs, chance to be heard, etc. In contrast to adversarial behaviors that polarize and alienate people, the curious, gentle, open-to-learning listening and acceptance that is key to Solutioning helps people feel more like true partners, more like friends.
Like learning to ride a bike, this process can evolve from feeling unnatural to natural. Over time, it can give the relationship a sense of friendly, caring, generous cooperation that provides an overriding air of safety and connection. Feeling safe with and close to a partner is about as good as it gets.
It's important to know that Same Side Solutioning can be fostered unilaterally by one well-motivated, well-prepared individual. In fact, if both of you plan to do it, each would be wise to imagine that it's all up to him or her. For more on introducing this process unilaterally, see the Addendum on page 12.
Interested? If yes, give the process a better chance by preparing yourself well. Don't jump right in and give this a brief effort with a poor chance to succeed or to last. You've likely got some powerful habits (and biology) to tame.
If this approach is new to you, it will probably help to read this material more than once. Before starting, discuss your own and your partner's motivation to use this process as well as your mutual understanding of how to proceed. Are you both feeling motivated to give it a hearty and sustained effort? Do you have a common understanding of how and why it can work? Learn it, rehearse it, and review it separately and together.
Initially, go through the process with conscious and patient deliberation. Later, discussions can become increasingly informal as your attitudes and skills become more and more a part of your overall relationship.
Before starting your first practice session, it could help to read this paper out loud together, taking turns as reader and listener.
To start, picture a triangular table that allows you to sit at a side that is next to rather than across from your partner. Together, face the far side where you will place and target the problem/conflict/challenge.
By replacing the face-to-face model that makes it easy to slip into adversarial exchanges, sitting literally, or at least figuratively, next to each other underlines that the problem is the target, not the other person.
Agree out loud that you want to function as a team allied together to transform problems into solutions - with a process that sustains mutual caring and respect for each other. Verbalize to each other that your shared and most important goal is to like each other during as well as after your mutual exploration for solutions that satisfy you both.
Once the process is strong and reliable, specific solutions will be relatively easy to find.
Recognize together that anything that's a problem or challenge for either of you is important for both to address because anything that troubles one is ultimately going to trouble both. "I want our solution to work for you just as much as I want it to work for me."
Before starting the process, hug for a minute and/or touch and squeeze hands while affirming aloud your intention to do Same Side Solutioning as well as possible this time and to continue working with this process as a major contribution to your relationship.
During the solutioning process, offer or accept a hand to squeeze briefly as a sign of giving or requesting support. If an offer isn't noticed or accepted, don't force the issue. Your partner may be concentrating too hard and/or feeling unable to exchange that kind of support right now.
I worked with one opposite-handed couple who could hold hands while using their dominant hands to list problems and to brain-storm solutions on a paper in front of them. If you can't do that literally, then do it figuratively.
In fact, it can be an informative experiment to hold hands while using a same side process toward a win-win solution. Give it a try. When fingers start to loosen, let that be a clue that your shared "cool" may be loosening its grip too - a good time to slow down, to consider taking a break, and consciously and intentionally to upgrade positive attitudes and behaviors. Focus on calming yourself and on NOT saying or doing things that are likely to make things worse.
Not making things worse is powerful - and key to Same Side Solutioning. Research suggests that it takes up to 5 positive behaviors to offset one nasty one. Not making things worse is a low cost, high-interest investment in good will.
Expect to have periodic urges to become impatient, adversarial, polarizing, or maybe even outright obnoxious. I'm personally still "in recovery" from such urges. Notice those urges when they first appear and shift immediately to calming yourself or your partner with encouraging rather than discouraging words. As you might with a family dog about to bark at the mail carrier, encourage both of your Lizards to relax: "Let's remember that we're on the same side. There are no enemies here. No need to bark or hide."
Don't let your Lizard highjack your attitudes or behavior, but do accept that it's a natural and therefore forgivable part of each of you. Beating yourself up about it is likely to rile your own Lizard and that of important others nearby. Rise above, forgive, and reassure your own or your partner's fight-or-flight urges.
It's powerfully and impressively helpful to stay friendly, soft, and accepting/forgiving whenever your partner seems to be slipping into Lizard-like attitudes, tones, or words. Most of us feel shame as we start to slide into our "lower self," and we are pleasantly surprised and relieved when the other doesn't react in kind. That helps to calm our shame-driven urges to stay defensive. It's hard to keep building up steam when nobody's pushing back - when the steam is able to dissipate in the fresh air of another's acceptance and unwavering good will.
A client told me about feeling enraged when someone backed a car into her legs as she was getting something out of her trunk. She was surprised to see that it was her best friend who ran back apologizing, "I'm so sorry I backed into you!" Immediately my client's anger evaporated, and she assured, "Friend, you can back into me anytime." Apologize quickly when you find yourself off course and forgive quickly when your partner/friend wanders.
Remind yourself and acknowledge to your partner that you know him or her to be a good, intelligent, and well-intended person. If you're not fully in touch with the friendly feelings you'd prefer, try AA's, "Fake it 'til you make it." Acting more positive than you fully feel at a given moment will contribute to a more positive atmosphere where better feelings can catch up with better behaviors - esp. if you stay open to that possibility. Know that better behavior can inspire better feelings at least as well as better feelings can lead to better behavior.
Is it dishonest to act more positive than you feel? Not in my mind, not if you honestly want to help both of you with behavior from your higher and more enlightened self rather than from your less enlightened defensive or aggressive feelings.
Agree that anytime anyone's feelings become too raw to proceed, either of you can signal, "I need a break." Agree that you'll resume the process at a later and mutually acceptable time - anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 days later. If you can't easily agree on a time, let it go. Don't push. Later, when you feel ready and the other seems receptive, you can suggest resuming the process.
Use a break to self-soothe and to review and renew your investment in constructive and cooperative solutioning. Appreciate yourself or your partner for having the good sense to take a needed break rather than letting things go downhill. Hugging again is a good way to resume solutioning after a break.
For your first meeting, start by same side solutioning your way to a relatively safe and limited agenda. Offer agenda suggestions in a friendly manner and accept the other's suggestions with interest and respect. Use your first several practice sessions to become familiar and comfortable with the process. Success with any topic will be a good start.
Write on three or four 3 x 5 cards, or equivalent slips of paper, brief suggestions for this meeting's agenda items. Then take turns reading them to each other and place them face up on the far side of the table. Select one or two of these cards that you both feel okay about as a discussion topic. Keep all remaining suggestions as candidates for a next session.
Now begin brainstorming and writing down on a shared tablet possible solution ingredients - thoughts, feelings, hopes, wishes, etc. from each of you, treating everything as important and relevant to your shared search for a win-win solution. Keep the process same-side by demonstrating a persistent intention to find solution ingredients that work for both of you. Offer and welcome suggested modifications that could make a solution element work better for yourself or your partner:
Use "I-messages" - simple comments from your own personal perspective and exposing of your feelings and thoughts. Avoid "You-messages." They tend to be less revealing and vulnerable, and they can feel judgmental and put the other on the defensive. "I'd like us to find a solution for the lonely feelings I get when you seem preoccupied. I miss you at those times," is friendlier and more self-revealing than, "I'd like to discuss how you spend far more time thinking about other things than you do about me." The former invites caring, the latter is more likely to evoke a defensive reply.
Identify within yourself and express most often the softer, more open and vulnerable feelings that usually lie beneath our harder closed and self-protective feelings. When expressed, softer feelings are easier to care about and less likely to provoke hard feelings.
Accept your partner as the world's final authority on his/her personal perceptions and internal experience. Don't attempt to read or analyze his or her mind. If you're wondering about the other's thoughts or feelings, ask and accept the answer at face value. If you'd like to know more, ask a gentle follow-up with a friendly and curious tone. Intend to become the safest person on earth for your partner to share vulnerabilities with.
Know that there is no one "reality" on which you are the ultimate expert. There are two "realities" that any solution must satisfy in order to make you both winners, hers and his, and those two realities may overlap anywhere from a lot to very little.
[This process applies equally, of course, when there are two he's or two she's. I don't intend to leave out same-sex relationships, whether they are friends, colleagues, siblings, or in a romantic or other kind of relationship.]
It's very important and often highly challenging to understand and to accept that your and your partner's subjective "realities" will often differ. He may find a desert too sweet that she experiences as "just right." She may want more salt in a soup he finds too salty. She may think a kid needs a hug when he thinks the same kid needs a time out. There's no universally "right" way to scratch backs another's back or to want yours scratched. A preference for "chick flicks" or war movies is not an aberration from normalcy. Neither she nor he is bad or crazy for having a subjective experience that differs from the other's.
Same-side/win-win does not mean same thinking. The goal isn't to agree on everything. The goal is to handle problems and conflicts that put you uncomfortably at odds and to resolve those differences with a mutually considerate process that leads to mutually acceptable solutions. Solutions that work well for both of you when possible and "well-enough" when that's the best you can do. Every relationship has some issues where the best goal is to accept your differences, to "agree to disagree" with patient, accepting, and respectful attitudes and behaviors.
To help yourselves stay focused and to listen better, have a pad each handy on which to jot down briefly any important things you're hearing and want to remember as well as any of your own ideas, feelings, wishes, etc. that are competing with your listening and that you may want to remember and bring up later. Write briefly & quickly to avoid distracting yourself or your partner, and don't appear to be compiling a list of all the ways you are right and the other is wrong.
Hear, acknowledge, accept, and truly intend to understand the other in an obviously friendly and tuned in manner. Ask questions intended to better understand what you're hearing. Be gentle and respectful of the other's reality. Use an accepting tone or nod and, when unclear, repeat the other's input to clarify whether you correctly heard or understood the other's thoughts and feelings.
Don't think that seeking, respecting and acknowledging your partner's point means that you have somehow lost or thrown away your own point. The point is that there are many important points to be made, and they all count on the way to a win-win solution.
In general, take turns, informally if that works well. If it helps, pick some talking symbol like a native American "talking stick" or a tissue or a copy of this paper - something to pass back and forth to designate who's the talker at a given juncture. When you're ready to quit talking and become the listener, hand the symbol over. If you feel a growing and pressing need to shift from listener to talker, put out your hand as a friendly signal that you'd like the talking symbol soon.
Be diplomatic. Don't talk too much - or too little. Intend for each of you to have roughly equal time. Never imply that the other's input is less right, less entitled, less moral, or less important.
Don't over-explain yourself - so that you don't sound defensive or offensive. Keep things relatively simple and straight-forward. Do describe those elements of a win/win solution that are most important to you. In order for any emerging solution to be valid and satisfying for both of you, don't overlook elements that are key for either of you. When you both participate in designing a solution, it will work better and longer for each of you and will contribute to the overall morale of your relationship.
Once you agree that most of the important building blocks toward possible solutions are on the table, wonder together about possible win/win combinations. Wonder aloud what you can create together with the ingredients on the table. Make suggestions and ask clarifying questions toward possible solutions. What could satisfy you both? Offer suggested solutions and respect each other's suggestions. Seek ways to modify or add to potential solutions to make them work better for both:
"How would it work for you if I continue to be more in charge of what needs doing around the house, with you agreeing to take complete charge of two or three recurring jobs. For example, if I knew you'd always handle the dishes and your laundry and I'd never have to remind you, I'd be one happy camper."
"That works for me if you'll let me make the kids bring all their dishes to the sink after eating or drinking."
"That's fine if you'll do that without yelling at them - by insisting quietly rather than loudly that they get it done or taking them aside where I can't hear if you need to talk more sternly to them. What do you think?"
"That sounds good to me."
"Deal?"
"Deal."
"One more question; what would you like me to say if you aren't doing what you agreed to do?"
"Hmmm. I just now found myself starting to get defensive, but I'm resisting the urge. Can we make that an agenda item for our next talk?"
"Yes, let's write it down to help us remember. And, please keep in mind that it will really help me more than anything if I can relax and know that you're totally responsible for those two items."
"Fair enough. I understand how that would help, and I intend to take those two jobs off your mind - so you'll have two fewer things to worry about."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome. I hope this works."
"Me too; let's make it work."
"OK."
Here are some more examples of potential topics/problems/challenges for discussion plus examples of possible win/win solutions:
What color to paint the bathroom. She'd like something light, like yellow. He'd hate yellow but would be fine with a light blue or green. They agree on light blue and feel good about how the solutioning process went. They agree to use the blue walls as a reminder of how well the process went with this relatively easy topic.
You wish I'd quit taking my mother's side "against" you. We agree to do same side solutioning on that problem. Using I-messages, something new for me, I reveal how pained I feel below my cold exterior when you're angry at me about something my mom said. I feel torn between two people I love. You empathize with my dilemma and my pain. After it's clear that I feel heard and understood, you reveal how hurt and deserted you feel below your anger. We each acknowledge the other's pain wonder together about win/win solutions. You suggest that we move physically closer to signal our mutual support the next time my mother makes a not-very-subtle critical comment about how "glad she is that she stayed home with her kids when they were young." I promise to mention within 5 minutes of that frequent criticism from mom how happy I am with your career successes that afford us the luxury of regular special vacations with our kids. We agree that if I "clutch" on the spot and don't fulfill my promise, we'll plot together later about the next opportunity for me to follow one of mother's critical comments with something supportive about you and our marriage. We feel proud together that we understand and want to help each other. We agree that either can initiate moving closer in the next scenario, and that it may well have to be you at first because of my lifelong self-protection within a cloud of oblivion around mom. You empathize with my oblivion defense, and we list my oblivion as a next topic for same side solutioning. I predict that handling mom together may help that problem too because feeling our mutual support will help me stay "present." We hug and feel better about each other and, ironically, even about mom.
I wish you'd discipline the kids more. You wish I wouldn't be so hard on them. By listening respectfully and with an intention to understand, we discover that I've been extra tough to make up for what I've seen as your "coddling," and you've been extra soft to make up for my seeming so harsh and inflexible. We agree to aim for a middle ground, to quit commenting on each other's parenting in front of the kids, and to check our progress over the next few weeks. And, we agree to listen together to the Love and Logic tape on helping kids become responsible that we both liked when we took a parenting class two years ago. We agree that this will be good for the kids and for our relationship.
Consider all kinds of solutions - 50/50 compromises as well as solutions wherein you each get up to 100% of what you'd like. It can happen - when each assumes it can.
If the topic matters a great deal more to the other than to you, consider solutions that go 100% with your partner's preference. Generosity is contagious. You'll have a happy partner, and a happy partner is a joy to have around!
End a formal session by deciding together what you can write down as an agreed-upon solution or as agree-upon elements to be included, modified, or added in our next discussion. Do we have win/win agreements on some of these pieces? Can we both give this further thought and talk again on Sunday afternoon?
Keep in mind that sometimes a mutually respectful agreement to disagree on some topics will be your best possible solution - for now, and possibly for the long haul.
End with a hug and some optimistic comments on the positive aspects of this effort.
Write down and keep handy any important observations or suggestions that come to mind between sessions. For example, notice what's going on inside whenever you begin to lose your "grip" - whether literally holding hands or not. Record your self-observation on a piece of paper and put it with the list of possible problems/challenges for same side solutioning in the future. For example, "When you said my anger 'turns you off,' including sexually, I caught myself starting to get defensive." Translated into a topic for later discussion, that might be framed as "my defensive anger that turns you off and defeats us both."
In close relationships, people often seem inevitably to be helping each other get better or get worse at any particular point in the relationship, depending in large part on how defensive they are currently being with each other.
In their book, "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You," Jordan and Margaret Paul explain how much it can help a relationship for each person to learn about, accept, and become friendly toward the other's defenses - or "protective mechanisms." Understanding and empathizing with the historical "good reasons" for your own and your partner's self-protective mechanisms can help defenses become less tightly held and more open to relaxation and change. In a truly safe, loving, and accepting atmosphere, it becomes increasingly safe to discover and to believe that "the best defense is no defense."
Once she and he become skillful and comfortable with this process, his and her defenses can become highly promising topics for same side solutioning. Understanding and helping each other heal is not rocket science. It is something anyone with an open heart and mind can do by understanding, accepting, and empathizing with how and why another person became who he or she is - especially how and why he or she developed a particular set of defenses. Once their historical origins and purposes are recognized and befriended, defenses feel less important to our sense of safety in key relationships.
Of course there are some individuals who have been so messed up for so long and in so many ways that the optimistic and cooperative process of same side solutioning may not be feasible. If you and most of the wiser people who know both of you have agreed for a long time that you've got a truly "impossible" person to deal with, giving up may ultimately be your only realistic option. First, though, you would be wise to ask your partner to go with you to a marriage counselor, and if that doesn't help, a good individual therapist who also works with troubled relationships can help you review your options so that you can make as wise a decision as possible.
Helpful Hints to Optimize Same Side Solutioning:
Helpful things to say to your partner during the process:
. I'm on your side.
. I don't want to fight.
. I want whatever we decide to work well for you.
. How can I help?
. I'm sorry.
. I'll be quiet and just listen for now.
. I really want to understand this better, how this is for you.
. How can I do a better job of being on your side with this?
. I know you're a good person.
. I know you're a smart person.
. Good point.
. I agree.
. Thank you.
. You're right.
. Am I hearing you well?
. Please help me with that.
. Let's take a break and come back to this? Is that OK with you?
. How about if we get back to this tomorrow?
. Yes.
. Sure.
Helpful hints to consider before and during the process:
Spend some time preparing mentally to start this process (or to recover from an aborted effort) by remembering and dwelling on the best things that you know about yourself and about this very important person in your life. Isn't each of you basically a good, intelligent, well-intended, and unavoidably but understandably flawed person? Recall loving, endearing moments you've shared.
Do with the good stuff what your Lizard Brain urges you to do with the bad stuff - dwell on it. Dwell on all the reasons why you want to be friendly, accepting, and open-to-hearing and learning about and from this special person. Dwell on the things you like most about your partner. Dwell on the fact that you two have lots of assets that you share - kids, warm memories, money (all your money instead of the half you'd have if you alienated each other permanently!), and a cooperative and loving future.
Do assume full and final responsibility for yourself and do not attempt to take over responsibility for the other. Monitor your internal state; remind yourself to stay calm and friendly, and take a break if you feel unable to stay productive.
Monitor your impact on your partner. Notice his or her face, tone, apparent level of defensiveness, etc. and soften your approach if you seem to be having a negative impact. Shifting 100% to an intention to do nothing but to listen gently and to understand and accept for awhile will usually help your partner relax and feel safer. Know that your patient, friendly understanding now will help your partner feel and become friendlier and more understanding later.
To quote from Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, "Seek first to understand. and [only] then to be understood." Be patient. Invest as many minutes or days as needed between understanding now and being understood later.
Stay in control of the only person you can be in control of - you.
Accept a double standard whereby you intend to make your very best contribution to a productive process regardless of how well your partner seems to be doing. Only judge how well you are doing and keep your focus there. Embrace that double standard as your opportunity to give both of you a gift. Be willing to assume 100% of the opportunity to make this work, and cut yourself slack when you fall short of perfection.
Tell yourself, "I'm more than willing to be good-willed and high-minded enough to do most or even all of the work if need be. I'm lucky I can. There's only one score, and that's our team score. My goal is two winners to whatever degree I can help that happen."
Or, "I love this person, and I love getting along with him or her. I'm excited and proud that I can do this for our love and our good will - as well as for our children. I know that ultimately the best way to inspire love and respect is to show love and respect."
Know that any unfriendly comment can tempt the other to respond in kind. Resist any lizard brain urges to react defensively to any unfriendly acts, tones, or implications that the other may slip into. Don't "fight fire with fire" and thereby burn both of you.
Monitor the intention behind your own comments. Is it your intention to remain friendly, open-to-learning, and respectful? Do you detect within yourself any intention to diminish the other's legitimacy or importance? To convince, shame, guilt-trip, or "logic" the other's perspective off the table?
Ask yourself, "Is my intention undemocratic toward this valued person? Am I intending, subtly or not, to coerce, to blame or shame, to twist his or her arm with my version of "logic? Am I raising my voice or escalating my emotions or playing the victim to coerce my partner? Am I acting aggressive or defensive like I'm in a Holy War against some infidel?"
If you make it your intention to hear, accept, and understand, then the mechanics will take care of themselves.
Keep in mind that you want to do right by this highly valued person and that continuing to like each other is the most important part any real solution - and of the process for getting there.
Remember, nothing is a win that makes your partner feel like a loser. Losers are not warm and happy and good-willed. They feel and act unhappy, resentful, withdrawn, and/or angry. If you've defeated a valued partner, you've defeated yourself.
Try, "If my partner 'loses it' and seems 'temporarily insane,' I know this person who loves me much of the time will soon regret being adversarial and harsh, and he or she will feel that regret sooner if I don't 'push back' and compound the problem. By remaining kind and patient when he or she can't, I'll soon hear an 'I'm sorry,' or I'll see some kind of softening behavior that says just as much. And I won't make us both losers by shaming her/him by insisting on an explicit apology."
"If my partner suffered from the neurological condition of Tourette syndrome and involuntarily blurted out obnoxious phrases from time to time, I'd forgive her/him every time it happened, knowing it was a "condition." Why not cut him/her the same slack whenever one of us slips into a Lizard "condition?" Don't compound the problem by falling into "dueling Tourette's" or "dueling Lizards."
==============================
Addendum:
Unilateral Same Side Solutioning - Do Try This At Home
But only if you are highly motivated, thoroughly prepared, and willing to persist even when the future looks bleak. As was pointed out earlier, all of these attitudes and behaviors are contagious, very contagious - but they are less contagious than their opposites - lizard brain attitudes and behaviors. That's why the challenge is big and why it requires a high level of motivation, preparation, intentionality, persistence, and
unwavering good will over an extended period of time.
If one individual will successfully rise above and remain above his or her own lizard brain sabotaging of the process, most partners will eventually begin to experiment cautiously with similarly positive attitudes and behaviors. Once that starts to happen, keep your standards high for yourself and your standards persistently lower and more accepting/forgiving of your fledgling partner.
Accept that things probably feels terribly risky to a partner who is feeling a bit safer and friendlier and is "catching" your improved ways of relating without fully knowing what's happening or whether it has a chance of lasting. When hopes get higher and things feel warmer, greater disappointments could be just around the corner. Dashed hopes can be a formidable set-back, but not impossible to overcome with continued, persistent, and unwavering good will on your part.
After you've demonstrated many positive changes long enough for them to have some impact and maybe to be obviously noticed or mentioned by a partner, explain (if asked or if/when your partner seems open to hearing) that you've been reading and thinking and, if it's true, talking to a professional about improving your attitudes and behaviors. That you like yourself better with these changes and that you plan to keep them going. Include an apology for any recent "slipups" and keep any blame on yourself only.
Tell your partner that you'd be glad for him or her to see some of what you've been reading if/when she or he might like to do so. And, consider leaving a copy of Same Side Solutioning where it can easily be noticed.
If you think it might help, find a wise friend or professional to help you navigate these rapids until you achieve success or conclude over time, that giving up on this particular relationship is your only option. Then plan and look forward to applying your newly and bravely acquired knowledge and skills in a future relationship where they will be reciprocated.
Don't give up quickly, though. And, know that a "much better" but not ideal relationship may good enough. And, "good enough" may be as good as it gets in the real world of imperfect human beings.
Nathan Claunch, Ph.D., 9/24/2005, Ann Arbor, Michigan
Nathan Claunch, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist &
Marriage Counselor
Counseling and Coaching for Individuals, Pairs, Families,
Teams, & Organizations
2225 Packard, Ann Arbor, MI, 48104, 734/663-9050 and
28220 Franklin Road, Southfield, MI 48034, 248/208-9415
Email: n@nathanclaunch.com
